What Have People
Stopped Telling You?
People learn what they can tell you by watching what happens when they do.
True North.
Someone starts to question your plan, then stops.
"Never mind. You've probably thought of that."
Maybe they trust your judgment. Maybe they remember the last time they raised a concern.
You corrected a detail. Explained the circumstances. Walked them through everything they had missed. Twenty minutes later, they understood your reasoning, but you had barely considered their point.
Next time, they kept it to themselves.
People learn what they can tell you by watching what happens when they do.
You might sincerely want honest feedback. But the person giving it also has to decide whether the conversation will be worth having.
Will you listen? Will anything change? Will bringing up one concern turn into an argument they spend the rest of the evening wishing they had avoided?
This matters when you are pursuing a difficult goal. Someone close to you may notice that you keep missing the same commitment, that your plan depends on an assumption that no longer holds, or that the work is taking more out of you than you admit.
You need that information while you can still use it.
Our blog, You Are Too Successful to Be This Hard to Correct, explored how defending yourself can prevent a useful correction. This month, consider what happens afterward, when people decide whether to bother bringing you the next one.
Obstacles Ahead.
You pick apart the example and miss the pattern.
Someone says you have seemed distracted lately. You explain that the call you took during dinner was urgent.
That may be true. It does not settle whether you have been distracted lately.
Ask for specifics to understand the concern. If you challenge each example before hearing the rest, you may never get a clear picture of what they are noticing.
You listen well, then carry on as before.
You thank them. Acknowledge the issue. Have what feels like a productive conversation.
A month later, they raise the same concern.
Eventually, even a patient person may stop repeating themselves. Appreciation only goes so far when the behavior stays the same.
You assume fewer objections mean more agreement.
Silence is difficult to interpret. People might agree, have nothing to add, or be tired of the conversation.
Pay attention when someone who used to challenge you becomes consistently agreeable. Or when you hear a concern secondhand and wonder why nobody told you directly.
Neither proves you caused the silence. Both are worth asking about.
Waypoints.
Ask about the concern they left unsaid.
Choose someone who sees how you work toward your goals. A colleague, your partner, a friend, or the person you have asked to hold you accountable.
Ask something specific.
"Was there a time recently when you wanted to raise something with me but decided it wasn't worth the conversation?"
If they give you an example, ask what made them hesitate.
Hear them out. Before explaining your side, put their concern into your own words and check that you understood it. You can disagree later. First, make sure you know what you are disagreeing with.
If nothing comes to mind, leave the invitation open. They may need time to think, and pressing them for an answer will not help.
Give them something different to observe.
Choose one concern that warrants a change. Make that change specific enough for the other person to notice.
If you keep taking work back, agree on which decisions belong to them and let them make those decisions.
If a friend checks on a commitment and you respond with a long explanation, give them a direct answer first. Say what happened and what you intend to do next.
After you have had a chance to follow through, ask whether they have noticed a difference. Take their answer seriously, especially if your effort has been more obvious to you than its effect has been to them.
You will sometimes receive feedback you think is wrong. Explain why after you have understood it. The aim is to make disagreement useful enough that people remain willing to have it with you.
Map Check.
Who used to be more honest with you than they are now?
Think about the last time that person questioned a decision, pointed out a missed commitment, or told you something uncomfortable.
How did the conversation end? What happened afterward?
This week, return to one concern you dismissed too quickly. Tell the person what you have reconsidered and ask whether there was more they wanted to say.
They may still be careful with their answer. Give them a reason to be more direct next time.
That's this month's guide to hearing what people have stopped saying. Go back to one concern you brushed aside and ask what else they noticed. The goal is not to collect more feedback. It is to stay someone people still bother to correct.
Onward,
Woody & the Dead Reckoner team